


The Benefits of Hats

by Eggling



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, team tardis downtime, two liking hats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 05:13:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10210346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggling/pseuds/Eggling
Summary: The Doctor and Jamie encounter a problem which warrants a very specific solution - one which the Doctor is rather enthusiastic about.





	

**Author's Note:**

> for [keatulie](keatulie.tumblr.com).

“Oh, how delightful!” The Doctor rubbed his hands together in excitement. “The planet Byrna, right in the middle of their Sunfall Celebration.” He cast a glance towards Jamie, clearly under the impression that he was being subtle. “Just as I’d planned.”

“Och, not this again, Doctor,” Jamie said wearily. “Ye said last night that ye wanted to go to some great book sale on – on – somewhere else.”

“Well, maybe I’ve changed my mind,” the Doctor retorted.

Victoria was paying no attention to their bickering, instead looking around at the great, sprawling marketplace in wonder. “Mercy! It’s so big.” She watched a small party of aliens – as tall as the TARDIS, their skin dark green and shiny – wander past, talking excitedly to each other with a series of clicks and grunts. “Are there any humans here, Doctor?”

“Hm? Oh, I shouldn’t think so.” The Doctor was half lost in thought. “No, not unless they were extraordinarily lost. Humans won’t reach this part of the galaxy for another three thousand years, at least.”

“Can we go and have a look?” Victoria begged.

“Well, I don’t see why not.” The Doctor rummaged around in his pockets for a moment before pulling out three packages. He peered inside. “Yes, this ought to be accepted currency here.” He passed one to Victoria and one to Jamie, returning the last to his own pocket Jamie tugged on the drawstring, opening it to see a collection of green cubes of some sort of plastic, each about the size of a dice. He hardly saw how it could be money – but then again, he didn’t see how thin plastic cards could be money either, but they seemed to work in the future.

“We’ll meet back at the TARDIS in -” The Doctor checked his watch. “Oh, around about an hour.” Victoria smiled widely and dashed off, making a beeline for a stall selling bright, almost glowing ornaments.

“Are ye sure we should let her go off on her own?” Jamie asked anxiously, but the Doctor had already practically seized him by the waist and was dragging him off in the other direction.

“Don’t worry, Jamie,” he soothed. “Byrna is one of the safest places in the galaxy – there hasn’t been a war here for hundreds of years, and there won’t be for another thousand.”

“Aye, ye say that every time,” Jamie protested.

“But this time I mean it,” the Doctor announced grandly. He steered them through a great, ornate gateway, into a new section of the markets. “No alien invasions, nothing dangerous whatsoever. Just a nice, relaxing day off. Now doesn’t that sound nice?” Jamie sighed, and the Doctor chuckled and squeezed his waist affectionately. “That’s the spirit.”

They wandered through the marketplace in companionable silence for a while, occasionally breaking it as Jamie pointed out an item at one of the stalls or the Doctor indicated a certain passer-by. Perhaps the Doctor _was_ right this time, Jamie thought. Perhaps there really was nothing threatening on the planet. Just as he reflected on this unlikely, though undeniably pleasant-sounding possibility, the Doctor’s attention turned to a group of aliens marching down another path through the marketplace. He tugged on Jamie’s sleeve, bringing him to a halt, and pointed towards them.

At first, Jamie saw nothing out of the ordinary. After a moment, however, he saw the far smaller creature, cowering beneath their threatening gazes, clearly attempting to stammer out some excuse or explanation. Whatever it had said was clearly not good enough, for it was seized by its four arms and dragged away, protesting, begging for helped. As the larger aliens moved through the marketplace, the crowd parting around them like water around a stone, Jamie caught the metallic glint of something underneath their clothing – something that could only be armour.

“Guards,” the Doctor said grimly. “We’re in trouble.”

“Us?” Jamie was taken aback. “What’ve we done?”

“Look around at all the people,” the Doctor murmured. “What do you notice about them?”

_Nothing_ , Jamie thought. _They’re all completely alien. There’s nothing I can say about them._ Looking more closely at them, however, he started to notice a pattern – similarities between them. The customers here were a little quieter, dressed more modestly and with less variation – if Jamie judged correctly, anyway – almost as if in deference to a higher power. The Doctor nodded at his expression of dawning comprehension, then seized his hand and pulled him through the crowd, smiling and nodding and apologising profusely to those they pushed past. They ended up tucked away in a damp corner, crouched behind a stack of wooden crates. The Doctor opened his mouth to speak, then pushed Jamie further back against the boxes as yet another patrol of the bird-like guards passed by.

“Please don’t say what think you’re going to,” Jamie muttered.

The Doctor had the decency to look at least a little chastened at this. “I’m afraid we may have taken a wrong turn,” he said nervously.

“And ended up in a restricted area?” Jamie finished.

“Yes, well, er. Quite. This section of the marketplace is, if I remember correctly, for the religious devotees come to observe the festival. You have to dress correctly for the occasion, you see. Otherwise the guards will arrest you – that’s what happened to the poor chap they found before.”

“And if they find us? What happens then?”

“Oh, that’s simple,” the Doctor said cheerily. Jamie hated that tone of voice. It always meant that they were in terrible danger, and that the Doctor was far too pleased about it. So much for a relaxing day off. “They lock us up for the night.”

“That’s nae so bad,” Jamie said dubiously.

“And sacrifice us to the suns in the morning,” the Doctor added.

Jamie cast a bitter glance up at the twin suns. Barely five minutes ago he had been happy, unworried, the oddly purple light spilling warmly across his shoulders, a bright, colourful alien marketplace sprawled out before them. And now this.

“Not exactly my idea of a romantic day-trip,” he commented, sitting down heavily on the damp ground. The Doctor smiled a little self-consciously. “Och, dinnae give me that look. It was a bit obvious, ye practically sending Victoria away and all.”

“Well, it nearly was,” the Doctor protested, sounding almost sad. Jamie smiled back at him and took his hand.

“Well, nearly is good enough,” he said quietly. “But it’s not going tae get us out. How are we going to get back to the TARDIS without them seeing us?”

“As a matter of fact, I’ve always been rather fond of the traditional dress of the people here,” the Doctor told him, tapping one finger against his lips thoughtfully. “And if I’m right -” He reached into his pocket, his arm half-disappearing down into the cavernous space in a way that would have been unnerving had Jamie not been more concerned about what was coming next.

“Ye don’t mean -” he began, but the Doctor was already brandishing something that was undoubtedly one of the most hideous things Jamie had seen in his entire life. “Oh, no. Why couldn’t it have been something else?”

“It’ll be fine,” the Doctor reassured him, shaking the cloak at him as if to tempt him to put it on. There was nothing tempting about the thing, regardless of whether or not anyone was shaking it at him – bright lavender and covered in something that he hesitantly identified as sequins, edged with matching dyed fur. It looked heavy, hot, and thoroughly undignified. “You’ll look very dashing, I’m sure. All you need to do is keep your head down, avoid eye contact with anyone, and get us another outfit. Then we can leave.”

“Why do I have to do it?” Jamie protested. “It’s the sort of thing ye like. Anyway, you’d be far better at it.”

“Yes, but I’ve been seen,” the Doctor pointed out. “I made sure to draw attention away from you on our way here. There’s a chance that they’ll recognise me, but not you.” He looked exceptionally proud of this, but Jamie merely shook his head in disbelief.

“Where do I get an outfit?” he asked at last. “What do I get?”

“Well, you’ll recognise the stall when you see it.” The Doctor gestured towards the cloak, and Jamie shrugged, acknowledging the point. “We’re going to need another cloak, and any other items of clothing that you might be helpful in, ah, concealing us.” He frowned at the cloak, shoving it into Jamie’s hands and then reaching into his pocket once more. “Actually, perhaps it would be better if you didn’t just go with the cloak after all.”

“Eh?” There was a sinking feeling in Jamie’s stomach that told him things were about to get far, far worse.

“Well, perhaps the cloak won’t be enough to disguise you.” The Doctor gestured towards Jamie absent-mindedly. “And I’d hate to have to go and save you from being fed to the carnivorous goats at dawn tomorrow. I think I might have the trousers in here somewhere...”

“I’m nae wearing trousers,” Jamie exclaimed, a little too loudly. The Doctor made a shushing motion with one hand. “I willnae do it. Have ye not got anything else?”

“Well, I might – yes, as it turns out, you’re in luck.” Tugging on this new item to get it out of the pocket, the Doctor added this fresh prize to the bundle in Jamie’s arms.

It was in a matching shade to the cloak, little beads hanging off it and clinking together musically, feathers around the brim and practically leaping from the top in a great plume. The _thing_ was almost an abomination to the eyes, Jamie thought – no wonder the Doctor had liked it. Worst of all, it was almost precisely the same size and shape as a certain garment the Doctor had been rather fond of when Jamie had first met him. The Doctor grinned up at him mischievously, and Jamie groaned in pure mortification.

“Jamie, I think you’ll need a hat.”


End file.
